Archive for December, 2011

This Christmas

Posted: December 29, 2011 in Madness
Tags: , ,

This year as Christmas time was nearin’

There was a buzz on the street that I was constantly hearin’

People felt empty, their hearts full of pain

“How can I buy presents when the economy’s down the drain?”

“How, indeed,” I thought as the towns people shouted

This was more shocking than when Boy George was outed

Something must be done, we need a solid plan

To bring Christmas cheer across this disenfranchised land

So, I hopped into action, not a moments hesitation

As I plotted to turn this Shitmas into a yuletide celebration

I hung the wreaths with care and fa-la-la-la-la’d

But awoken the next morning to discover something odd

The streets were totally empty, nothing was stirring

My heart skipped a beat as my brain started whirring

I stepped outside, it was as quite as a church

Something was clearly wrong here, so I began my search

I scoured the streets for any clues I could find

With the heaviness of the situation, clouding up my mind

“Where could they all be,” I pondered and pondered

Investigating every nook and cranny as I wandered and wandered

But no one was there, it’s like they never existed

How did everything in my peaceful hamlet get so insanely twisted?

As the day grew long, I found no signs of life

Christmas is a time of peace, not the time for angst and strife

I fell to my knees and cried out to the skies

“Is this the end of the world?  Is it man’s final demise?”

Then a figure appeared to me, it was Jesus himself!

His beard was neatly trimmed, his angelic robe was top-shelf

He spoke to me, his voice was soft and clear

“So, JohnMark, you may be wondering what you’re doing here.

The rapture has come, I’ve collected my people

I removed them from my synagogues, I took them from their steeples

But I specifically left you behind for a reason

Instead of celebrating my birth, you celebrated the season”

“So, did the others,” I said with a flashy flash

“SILENCE, MORTAL” his voice boomed with a crashy crash

“You only give during this time of giving

When you should be doing it all year long as your way of living

But instead, you choose only selfish pursuits

You’ve grown into a horrible man, you’ve forgotten your roots

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must take my leave”

With those final words, he was gone, leaving me alone to grieve

Then out of nowhere, I was attacked by zombie dinosaurs

I was ripped limb from limb, shrouded in their terrible roars

Then I awoke to discover that it was all just a dream

Brought on by drinking one too many egg nogs, it would seem

I breathed a sigh of relief as I realized I was fine

This vision has shown me how I need to celebrate Christmas time

I won’t hang the wreaths, I wont fa-la-la-la-la at all

I will not jingle the bells, I will not deck the halls

I won’t light the lights, I won’t hang the stockings with care

I won’t leave out cookies and milk, no, I wouldn’t dare

Instead, I’ll send out love to my friends and family

And set ablaze all things in this world that are deemed Christmas-y

I can’t even begin to comprehend how to praise the wonders of modern technology that are available to us in this day in age.   But I’m gonna start with Facebook.  That thing is just like real life, but better.  You can inform all your friends of your whereabouts, you can share your crappy music, you can chat, play games with friends, share your crappy videos – the possibilities are endless!  And just like in real life, you got farmers, both legit(crops) and illegal (pot), you got the fucking mafia running around, killing folks, not to mention actual real-life stalkers rummaging through your profile.

“What about you relationships”, you ask?  Well, it’s the same thing out there that it is in Facebook.  You get to tell everyone about you’re relationship status or get into a fight about “who’s that bitch in that picture with you?!” It even allows you to check out the profile of that chick our dude that you just met and see what kind of person they really are.  No more having to wait until you find out that they’re a Twilight fan and have to break up with them.  BAM!!!  9 times out of 10 it’s on their profile!  Thank you, Facebook!  You saved my time and energy.  Double threat!

“But what you’re saying is what goes on in the real world.  Outside of saving time, it doesn’t really seem that much different?”  How dare you, sir or madam!  Can you toss a pig at someone and have it be considered an act of love?  No, you can’t.  I’ve tried.  When I was a child, I dreamed of being on the 100,ooo Pyramid game show program.  But alas, those dreams were destroyed once I discovered that it had been canceled for awhile and I was watching reruns.   But now, thanks to Facebook games, I have fulfilled that life long wish…(begins to break down)…excuse me….(wipes tear from eye)…. Sorry.  It’s still an emotional topic for me.

Life, you’re full of misery and heart ache.  Facebook is like a glorious land we can all retreat into and forget about the perils of real life as we bask in the sunshiny glow of the best free social network that is available today.  Well, until the next big thing comes.  Twitter anyone?

Sincerely,

Tongue Firmly In Cheek